Certainly our minds are immediately drawn to the ultimate sacrifice that martyrs endure, and perhaps rightly so. But death comes in many forms. Sometimes it is not physical death that we are called to, but rather to the death of a dream. While nowhere near the same intensity as that of physical mortal suffering, it nonetheless is a painful and difficult thing, made all the more so by the fact that you can continue to question, "Why?" for a much longer time (for you do not die, only the dream does).
Almost two years ago, an idea was born during a short-term mission trip. It was immediately recognized as not our own, but a concept coming to us from above. This was verified by the field leader’s response, and again in the weeks subsequent by those over us in the Lord. Over the next 18 months the Lord opened door after door, making the impossible suddenly possible. As each barrier was confronted, we prayerfully laid down the entire idea before the Lord. Each time He waited a short time and then clearly lifted it past that barrier, increasing the number of people involved and increasing the scope.
So when (a couple of months ago) I was suddenly told to stop promoting the idea, I was somewhat confused. By that point we had made four trips, spent much in sacrificially donated dollars and together with dozens of brothers and sisters in Christ, used hundreds of hours of our ‘spare time’ to see the concept realized in a local and very promising project. Six lawyers had been engaged, people from three national churches were committed, ministries in the 3 countries were at the table. Further, a letter of intent had been signed, a marketing study had been completed and legal papers were all but printed.
At first it appeared that we'd only have to wait 3 weeks, and that made the stall somewhat workable. But three weeks turned into 5. Five turned into 8, and the next team meeting was at hand in-country. So in faith we bought tickets and flew out for our 5th meeting. The delay had an affect. While originally planning to bring multiple new people to the table, we arrived with only one. Perhaps more significantly, the legal paperwork was incomplete.
On arrival we found that the decision so long awaited was in fact in my email in-box. We had prayed for clear direction, and clear direction we suddenly had. It was a loud and resounding NO.
By itself, we might have thought it was merely a misunderstanding. But at that same meeting we recognized several minor red flags with one of our project partners, and it could hardly be overlooked that of the 17 people expected at the meeting (independent of new partners), we had only 7 present. Clearly the Lord was working, and the direction I was hearing was merely His voice. Throughout, we had repeatedly laid down the idea/project and asked the Lord to pick it back up if He wanted it to go further, and each time He had. Now He said, “That’s far enough.”
It is not an easy thing to let go of something you’ve poured yourself into, and much less so to let it die, and even harder to be told to kill it yourself and bury it.
While my natural self pushes to pointlessly conjecture, I must admit I do not know exactly why the Lord has spoke as He has. I do know that He said to me, “Nothing can be resurrected until it dies.”
I take no small amount of comfort in that.
